Please Welcome Vanessa Samuel’s empowered life to our scene…
A strange sound startled me. 2:30 am. Heart pounding, I leapt to my feet with a sense of dread. I ran into my three-year-old son’s room and found him unconscious, shaking and moaning in the throws of a seizure.
The first time he had a seizure, I was terrified. But now, the third time, I felt an ominous cloud creep over my life. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t leave his side. I couldn’t leave him unattended in the bathroom, or playing cars in his bedroom. I couldn’t think about anything else. The seizures were so sudden, so unpredictable.
I tried to explain to my husband and extended family why I kept snapping like an overstretched rubber band. Despite their attempts at comfort, I felt alone. I was losing ground in the most intense battle with fear I had ever fought before.
It was less than two weeks before Christmas; we had just moved; I had our three young children to look after and “put on a happy face” for. I had to be strong. But I did not feel strong at all. I felt broken. I had so many questions, and no human response could settle them.
Where do I even start, God? What am I supposed to do? How can I protect my child? How will I ever sleep again?
Then I heard His loving whisper. “Do you trust Me with your children? I gave them to you. Do you know that I love and care for them even more than you do?”
Oh, trust. Trust.
Fear tells me it’s not easy to trust Him. It will cost. His eternal perspective chooses character over comfort, growth over short-term success, heavenly value over earthly happiness.
But that’s because He – all powerful, eternal, wise, perfect, pure, and good – loves us enough to pull us into His beauty and goodness, despite the fact that it cost Him everything. Like a loving parent, He walks through these struggles by our side, revealing purpose in our pain and giving real hope to our souls. His way is not easy, but I can trust in His love.
That is when it changed. Not my circumstances; my confidence. I found freedom from fear. As 1 John 4:18 states, “No fear exists where His love is. Rather, perfect love gets rid of fear.” The more I trust Him, the less I have to fear.
When seizures struck again months later, I found myself waiting at home for my husband to text updates from the hospital. In the tension of the moment, my older son turned to me and said, “Mom, I learned this verse today: ‘Jesus said, “Take courage; I am here.’” (Matt. 14:27)
With those words, the mounting storm in my soul stopped. And His love, not fear, won.
A note about Vanessa: Vanessa Samuel loves Jesus, and loves using language – written, spoken, visual, musical, and creative – to praise Him. She also loves gardening, running, learning new things, and going on God-led adventures with her awesome husband. She is in the process of learning how to homeschool her three young children, and enjoys seeing the world from their perspective.